Counsellor Corner with Madi Burns
Separation Anxiety
It’s natural for your young child to feel worried when you say goodbye. In early childhood, crying, tantrums, or clinginess are healthy reactions to separation and a normal stage of development (1) A little worry over leaving mum or dad is normal, however some kids, experience separation anxiety that doesn’t go away, even with a parent’s best efforts. These children experience a continuation or reoccurrence of intense separation anxiety during their elementary (primary) school years or beyond. Both the intensity level and timing of separation anxiety vary tremendously from child to child, and their behaviour/response to separation will also vary. If separation anxiety is excessive enough to interfere with normal activities like school and friendships and lasts for months rather than days, it may be a sign of a larger problem. (2)
Tips to help
- Practice separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and short distances at first. As your child gets used to separation, you can gradually leave for longer.
- Tell your child when you’re leaving and when you’ll be back. Your child might feel confused or upset when they realise you’re not around and might be harder to settle the next time you leave.
- Telling your child you will be back will also support your child to develop the confidence that they can handle the separation. (Remember: it’s important you return at the time you promised.)
- Develop a quick “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss. Keep things quick, though, so you can:
- Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go—don’t stall or make it a bigger deal than it is.
- Keep a relaxed and happy look on your face when you’re leaving. If you seem worried or sad, your child might think the place isn’t safe and can get upset too. No matter how frustrated you feel, avoid criticising or being negative about your child’s difficulty with separation. For example, avoid saying things like ‘She’s such a mummy’s girl’ or ‘Don’t be such a baby'.
- Make a conscious effort to foster your child’s self-esteem by giving her lots of positive attention when she’s brave about being away from you.
REMEMBER You know your child best. If you’re worried about their separation anxiety, consider seeking professional help. Here are some places to start:
- your child’s teacher or the school counsellor
- your child’s GP or paediatrician, who will be able to refer you to an appropriate mental health practitioner
